Seemingly gone are the days when kids wandered around the neighborhoods in packs, riding their bikes, traversing neighborhood trees, learning the shortest routes to school (because they walked them every day), and feeling a sense of confidence and competence that they could manage most of the ups and downs of childhood. Their schedules weren’t overbooked with extracurricular activities to increase their intelligence (that pad their junior high and high school applications), they went to sleep away camp most summers, and had plenty of unsupervised free time. This enabled children to experience plenty of low-stakes “risky play”—climbing fences, kid rules dodgeball, wrestling, sword fights with sticks, etc.—with friends and neighbors. Having unstructured playtime, without an adult to set the rules, soothe skinned knees, or offer advice on navigating social dilemmas, helped children gain confidence and competence.

But where did that childhood filled with child-initiated and cultivated play, jam-packed with opportunity, learning, and growth, go? And what has been the consequence of that deprivation? Researchers have found that children’s free play (defined by Webster’s as unstructured, child-directed play that allows children to explore and experience the world around them) has diminished tremendously in the last few decades and name parents’ safety concerns as the main impetus. With the advent of the twenty-four-hour news cycle, violent crime, traffic accidents, and “stranger danger” have been brought to our attention around the clock, creating deep anxiety and worry despite steep declines since the 1990’s in crime against children. Stranger danger is so unlikely for children that, according to LetGrow.org, a child would have to be “outside, unattended…750,000 years” to be kidnapped by a stranger, statistically speaking.

Despite data indicating a substantial upturn in child safety, social norms also perpetuate families’ fears. Children are being supervised almost constantly by adults and tracked with devices (even at school) when the children aren’t with their primary caregivers. Constant checking in with children to know where they are and what they are doing, providing intervention during conflicts, and sheltering kids from making mistakes, creates anxiety and even depression in children. The experiences we have in childhood directly influence who we are as adults.

During young childhood, we are shaping our identity—who we are in the culture we find ourselves in. We work those social and emotional “muscles” through real-time interactions with each other and our environment, not through screens or devices, despite their prevalence among children and teens. In fact, the statistics on smartphones show significantly more threats to children online, particularly in terms of mental health, disruptions to sleep, screen addiction, exposure to inappropriate media, and vulnerability to the potential predatory aspects of social media and other platforms, where human predators can hide in plain sight.

There are so many science-based reasons to give your children more independence and autonomy. Atop that list are real confidence and self-esteem, which are born from competence. A child doesn’t build confidence riding a bike because you told them how to ride it, demonstrated riding it, or because you read a story about children riding bikes. That child gains mastery by riding it again and again. As the child gains confidence in their ability to ride, even when they experience a spill and a scraped knee from time to time, they gain another kind of mastery: they know they can manage the painful aspects of life. When adults are present, they are much more likely to intervene, set rules, create structure, and console and soothe, whether the child asks for it or not.

When given the opportunity for uninterrupted trial and error, including difficult social interactions, children further develop:

• intuition and creativity
• the ability to think and reason
• gross motor skills
• problem-solving
• the ability to recognize danger and take calculated risks
• self-regulation
• effective communication
• dispute resolution and compromise
• empathy

As children get older and their confidence and competencies increase, there are more opportunities to teach them safety skills for biking and walking out in the neighborhood. You can then build on belief in their capabilities, thus creating a culture of freedom and responsibility in your home.

Recently, I had a message from the mom of a TTMS alum student, who is 13 years old and off on a 10-day, backpacking adventure in the North Cascades. This trip came after many years of baby steps: letting her play alone as a toddler; riding her bike with neither training wheels nor someone to hold the back of the bike; going to sleep-over camp at age 6; walking to a neighbor friend’s house alone; etc. This mom’s reflection on letting her daughter go was powerful and eloquent. She acknowledged grappling with two seemingly juxtaposed ideas: not knowing where the children would be at any given moment and knowing that that experience was vital to these teenagers’ growth. She wrote,

“I can’t wait to hear about her experience. I love that she gets to have an experience that’s all her own, filled with her own joys [and] challenges, that I wouldn’t be there to coach through; she’ll have to rely on herself (what she’s learned and who she is), her new comrades and guides, and simply learning on the fly! I am breathing in the beauty and struggle, the chaos, the solid and exhaling peace, strength, and resilience. She’ll have some secrets and personal lessons that she will take with her throughout her whole life (or not, no pressure). The potential is there, and the opportunity for struggle and digging deep is set before her. And she is excited and a little bit nervous—what a great place to be!!” - Melissa Tuton, mother of 13-year-old, TTMS alum Violet

What a wonderful gift to offer a child.

Here are a few extra articles on this topic:

Want Resilient and Well-Adjusted Kids? Let Them Play! by Jackie Mader, July 14, 2022

Unstructured Play is Critical to Child Development by Melinda Wenner Moyer

The Decline of Unstructured Play by Michael Patte, PhD

What Does Screentime Do to My Brain? by Victoria L. Nunckley, MD

Let Grow Parent and Families Resource Page

Written by Lynda Harrington, Bigleaf Maple Lower Elementary Guide