Life is difficult. So it was affirmed for me when I read M. Scott Peck’s book, “The Road Less Traveled” while trudging through the challenges of my early twenties. Prior to “adulting,” no one had told me that when I finally got out on my own I would face a lifetime of challenges that I was meant to step up to, confront (even through my anxiety and ill-preparedness), and tackle in order to make myself—and maybe even my community—a little better. No one mentioned to me that this is a fundamental truth of life: that throughout our lives we all face difficulties, struggles and challenges and that our success and happiness is based on successfully navigating through these. I was also unaware that most of the difficult parts of my childhood—the chores I was required to do on our family farm; the injuries endured while exploring our property; dealing with challenging children at school and during extracurricular activities—all helped me learn that I could navigate even the ugliest parts of life. What I didn’t know then, but which has been studied and proven by science many times over, is that life successes are based on our own grit and determination.

The idea of grit is nothing new but has been thoroughly studied by Angela Duckworth, a professor at the University of Pennsylvania and co-creator of The Character Lab. She has focused her research on what it means to succeed and in her extensive research, she has found that character may be the most important factor in determining success, this even more so than IQ or scores on standardized tests. Duckworth has determined that success in the twenty-first century means one must have grit. Grit is the ability to persevere when times get tough and the ability to delay gratification in pursuit of a goal. It is also how we bounce back after failure.

Though not considered a “testable” academic skill, grit is essential in a person’s success in school, in relationships and in life in general. Having the ability to work through challenges, stick with a project to the end, and to face fears and insecurities develops real self-esteem in a way that statements like, “Good job!” never will. But how do we produce kids with grit and determination? How do we set things up so that kids are required to be tenacious and to follow-through on things, the reward of which may be a long way off, and to face and conquer their fears?

One way we can do this is by establishing a culture where effort, struggle, and risk-taking are valued over just getting the right answer. This idea can often feel counterintuitive because most of us were raised in a culture that was wrought with testing, where the number of right answers is what determines a person’s worth and success. But students who are so averse to struggling and getting answers wrong generally don’t think out of the box or try new ideas for fear of looking stupid or being wrong. This block stifles creativity and innovation and destroys self-confidence.

Additionally, we need to share stories from our own lives and the lives of successful people who have shown tenacity. They look to people closest to them (parents, grandparents, teachers, etc.) for guidance on how to react to situations. But it is also helpful to have a cache of stories about people who worked through failure to success. Vincent Van Gogh sold only one painting (the Red Vineyard at Aries) out of 900 in his life time. Dr. Seuss’ first children’s book was rejected by twenty-seven publishers. Oprah Winfrey was fired from a TV station in Baltimore for being too “emotionally involved” with the stories she was reporting. After countless epic fails, Tomas Edison was quoted as saying, “I have not failed 10,000 times—I’ve successfully found 10,000 ways that will not work.”

Perhaps most importantly, we have to give kids the opportunity to skin their knees, sleep alone, and face stress head-on, with lots of support from us. It is through facing our fears and anxiety that strength of character is built. It is through adversity that we build character, tenacity and grit. By sheltering children from difficulty, heartache, or pain, we are robbing them of the opportunity to build their resilience.

So, when you are wondering what you can do for your child, to help them learn tenacity, stick-to-itiveness, and ultimately experience success and happiness, let them struggle a little bit. Start by letting your child carry in their own lunch bag and coat into and out of school. Give your toddler time and space to struggle to put on their own underwear and clothes. Allow your 4 year-old the opportunity to button up their own sweater (it’s going to take some time and patience!). Let your child sleep alone, even if they’re nervous to. Give your young elementary child an opportunity to ride their bike around the block without you or to get the mail all by themselves. Leave your older elementary child at home alone while you run to the grocery store and let him prepare the entire dinner for the whole family. Let your children take small risks and teach them to problem solve. If your child is nervous about sleeping alone, give strategies for self-soothing. Engage your child in figuring out how they can handle challenges and give them skills for doing more things independently. Don’t provide all of the answers and let your kids make mistakes.

Embracing even some of these ideas will increase your child’s resilience and grit and ultimately help them be happier, healthier, more successful human beings.

Lynda Harrington, TTMS Elementary Teacher

December 2023