Parenting is ridiculously hard. So hard that it can lead to pure mental and physical exhaustion. My wife and I have two boys, ages three and five. They challenge every aspect of our being. They are wild. They are competitive. They are strong willed. They are the two sweetest boys you will ever meet. They are also available for playdates anytime you would like to take them both! The journey of parenthood is one that comes with many questions and leaves us curious. Is our children's behavior learned or is it innate? Surely, we were not this unruly as children, were we?

I recently came across a research study showing that parents who implement a strategy of rewarding children with screen time tend to have children who have more difficulty ending screen time. Let me tell you, I did not need a research study to come to this conclusion! As we navigated the journey of parenthood during our kids first few years of life, we fell into this common trap. We never imagined that we would be "that" family. You know the one: the family with the iPad at dinner, iPad in the car, iPad on the plane, TV before school, and TV after school. Like many individuals, we used screen time to calm our children down and give us some much-needed serenity. Rookie mistake.

What transpired with our children was an alarming trend of behavioral issues including post screen time anger, excessive tantrums, low frustration tolerance, defiance, trouble sleeping, and aggression both at home and in school. Not only were we losing our serenity, we were losing control of our household. We failed to believe in and set appropriate structures and boundaries with regards to screen time. As a result, our children were not able to develop the natural coping skills they needed. They (and we) struggled with self-regulation difficulties. Why were our children not capable of being able to calm down on their own after a stressful situation had occurred? Their helplessness resulted in increased anxiety, which in turn would lead to an increase in our anxiety. We needed help. We needed it fast. I had to think.

As a child of the 80s, I am still coming to terms with the technology our children will learn to navigate before the age of two. I see many infants and toddlers scrolling on iPads and iPhones when I did not even get my first beeper until college! Something is wrong here. You know what I am talking about, people! Technology is still progressing at lightning speed. It has given us the ability to connect in ways that we never have before, and in other ways it has simply disconnected us. In an increasingly online world, it is often hard to know exactly how much screen time is too much for our children (and us). Have you ever wondered how much screen time is appropriate for your child? The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) offers guidance for appropriate screen time engagement for different age groups of individuals on their website at https://www.aap.org/en/search/?k=screen%20time

It is becoming clear that limiting early media use deserves much stronger messaging in health care promotion. Essential health care seeks to detect and prevent disease while promoting healthy choices intended to enhance wellness. Anticipatory guidance is the term used to describe information provided to parents and children about the benefits of these healthy lifestyle practices. However, for anticipatory guidance to be developmentally consistent and effective, it must be delivered at the right age, be appropriate to the child and family in their community, and be relevant so that key recommendations are adopted by the family. Anticipatory guidance with regards to screen time and development is starting to be provided to parents in order to promote optimal developmental outcomes. It is important to remember that there are specific developmental attainments that occur in a predictable sequence over time. These milestones reflect the interaction of the child’s developing neurological system with its environment. As you meet with your child's pediatrician and are evaluating whether their milestones have been hit or missed, ask yourself this question: is screen time partly to blame? Is it time to turn it off?

We knew a change had to be made in our household and we decided it was time to pull the plug on our TV. For this to be successful, we had to have a plan. Tony Robbins states that the path to success is to take "massive, determined action.” He must know our boys. It was going to take massive, determined action to take the television away from them. We made the decision and set a goal to eliminate all screen time from our household on school days. After setting this new goal, we quickly realized that we did not have a solid plan for implementation. Surely there will be major objections from informing our children that they would only be able to watch television or use a screen on Friday after school or on Saturdays, nothing more and nothing less. So, we called a family meeting and we told them, you're watching too much TV.

In reality, we took massive, determined action. And we stuck to our plan. This is one of those things where, as a parent, you really must be rigid and routine-oriented. Otherwise, you are going to pay for it in terms of your child whining or having more meltdowns and tantrums because they do not totally understand when they can get screen time and when they cannot.

When you eliminate television from your weekly routine, your child is going to be upset. You do not have to explain, reason, bargain, or sell your child on it. Simply remind your child that some things are a parent’s decision and some are a child’s decision. What did this sound like in our house? “This, right now, is our decision. How you feel about it is your decision.”

Does this sound easy? I am here to tell you that it was not. You must be prepared for what comes next. The meltdowns, tantrums, yelling, etc. are difficult and real. Resist the urge to defend or rationalize your decision. This is not the time to get into a lecture on the meaning of fairness or why you have made the decision to reduce screen time. Your child is upset because they do not like your decision. That is what you must address. What did this sound like in our house? “Perhaps you do not like our decision because it is not working in your way and you are not getting what you want. You can tell me that. Daddy, I do not like your decision. And I will say, I know, boys, and I understand. And, this is what we are doing from now on. I can see that you do not want to. It is new. You are not sure. You are going to be safe. I hope you will also have fun and having fun is up to you.”

After we made the decision to eliminate screens from our weekday routine, we saw immediate behavioral changes with both our children. For the first few days of no screen time, they kept asking to watch a show. Miraculously, after about a week, they were rarely asking. Now, they do not even mention it or even seem to miss it. We have found our kids to be less irritable and generally more engaged at home. We have more planned family outings and activities. Each child enjoys quality one-on-one parent time every evening before bed. The boys are learning to manage their emotions, are developing better coping skills, are fighting less, and are sleeping better. This is all translating to better performance at school as well.

Have we been perfect? No! Are we guilty of breaking our own rules at times? Yes! And that is okay. It is all about balance. For our family, remembering praise and rewards when the screen time goes well has been linked to our success. I think we sort of forget that there is this tendency when things are going well to not say anything because we do not want to rock the boat. However, it makes sense when they do a good job of transitioning out of screen time to reward that, since it is a behavior that we want to see more of. Just don't reward them with candy!

Daniel Travelle, DDS, TTMS Parent