Over the course of a person’s lifetime there are a myriad of natural “separations” and “attachments” that occur at just the right moment along the developmental continuum. Despite the fact that separation is most often thought of in a negative light, both separation and attachment are necessary factors in the process of development and personal evolution. As stated by Dr. Silvana Quattrocchi Montanaro, “each separation is a gate through which we can reach a wider level of experiences and relationships.” If we view separation as an opportunity for growth, and prepare ourselves accordingly for the many natural separations our children experience, we will be better able to support them in turning this process into an opportunity that enhances their trust in the environment and in themselves.

Separation and attachment occurs with each new stage of development, beginning from the very earliest moments during conception and birth. Perhaps the most obvious separation, when a baby leaves the uterus, very clearly demonstrates the positive effect of separation as well as the importance of developing a secure attachment thereafter. At the time of birth, the uterus has become too small for the baby and the placenta begins to deteriorate. Separation (birth!) at this time is not only necessary for continued growth but also provides the baby with a vast array of sensory experiences in their new environment. Subsequent attachment of the baby to their parents or guardians ensures that the child can safely engage with the new environment through skin-to-skin contact, food that is received through the mouth instead of the umbilical cord, language, and the freedom of movement which all support necessary brain development. Through these new attachments, children learn that their environment can be trusted.

As children continue to build trust in their environment and separate from their dependency on their parents, they become more mobile and gain the coordination necessary to explore and manipulate the world around them. These explorers are now old enough to attend school and become part of a wider community. The transitions that occur during these times of separation and attachment can be hard! In toddlers we often begin to see behavioral challenges, tantrums, and “separation anxiety”. The child is separating from the things that initially helped to comfort them including their parents or guardians, stuffed animals, and/or pacifiers that may make their attachment to school, daycare, or another setting, more difficult. Children often experience feelings of anger, sadness, or disappointment as they initially separate from what’s comfortable. Once the child is ready to separate from their current attachment however, growth and development progresses naturally with appropriate support.

This is when it becomes incredibly important for adults to model that yes, separation can be challenging initially but there are new and exciting opportunities to come. Through progressive separations, and attachments to an ever-widening environment, children build character, personality, and become more aware of their surroundings. As adults we must be aware that our own fears and hesitations might hold our children back from the natural progressions they are innately driven towards. We must consider that by limiting or delaying a natural separation, most often because we think we are protecting our children, we are actually delaying the natural physical and psychological widening of space between the child and their parents that enables the child to pursue the independence they seek. If we protect our children from these necessary separations and the healthy attachments that follow, children cannot reach their full potential.

As guides, caregivers, and parents, it is essential to understand that the ability to separate and attach in a positive manner is key to living a fulfilling life. There are many ways to help facilitate the child’s development of these skills but providing them with a rich and satisfying environment carefully prepared to meet their needs, and demonstrating to the child that we trust them to explore, will help them to adapt, attach to, and thrive in their widening environment. When the child has conquered their initial hesitation, it becomes apparent that they have gained trust in themselves as well as their surroundings. This trust will help the child understand that this world belongs to them and that they can do for themselves in ways that will benefit them for a lifetime.

Sophie Nguon, TTMS Toddler Guide

April 2023